Even though the witch is dead, the tedious discussion about her life continues. The latest hot topic seems to be that the £10 million funeral cost and George Osborne’s tears could have been better spent elsewhere. And I totally agree. That’s why I’ve come up with three fun yet useful ways the people of Britain could enjoy the cash poured into Margaret Thatcher’s funeral fund.
The best British Christmas panto in history
British pantomime is currently regarded in the same cultural pockmark as turkey twizzlers, Channel 5 and anyone who’s been sexually involved with Jordan. However, things could be so, so different with a cash injection of 10 million British pounds. After a few minutes of in-depth research on the Celebrity Talent International website, I found that that an initial cast of Michael Caine, Queen Latifah and Quentin Tarantino wouldn’t even break the £2 million mark. Imagine the joyous scenes as the audience cries, ‘He’s behind you!’ while, say, Rick Ross languorously turns his elephantine frame just in time to see Joe Pasquale scampering away. Money well spent, I think you will agree.
Signed from Lille for around £10 million two years ago, The Forehead has been nothing short of a disaster at Arsenal – his footballing skills at times resembling a three-legged kitten playing with a Fabergé egg. We could take this problem off Arsene Wenger’s hands and turn him into some sort of loveable media personality. Possibilities include: presenting the Thunderball, becoming James Corden’s comedy side-kick or playing Peggy Mitchell’s adopted African son in EastEnders.
If you split £10 million between 62 million folks, that should be enough to provide a commemorative coin for everyone in the country. The government could make two types: a Maggie with horns and a Maggie with a halo.
That way you could easily show others your stance on the Iron Lady by showing them your coin. Then once the new series of Britain’s Got Talent starts and we forget all about Maggie, you could pop the coin in one of those swirly McDonald’s buckets, be briefly entertained, and get on with your life.
Words by Jake Missing