I’ve never really understood Tatler – some of the stuff they write about makes so little sense to me that it may as well be written in Swahili. This month’s issue, for example, features a profile on Jilly Cooper’s cat and a piece investigating which public school pupils are ‘harder’: those studying at Eton or Harrow.
But I’ve found myself mesmerised by the Tatler List – of “the people who really matter” – which is essentially an annotated catalogue of the most astonishingly posh white people in the UK. (The list does feature the odd token black celeb but, generally, it’s whiter than an Antiques Roadshow special in the BNP stronghold of Burnley.) Everything about the list is absolutely hilarious – it’s the Aeneid of unintentional LOLs.
The whole thing reads like that Sally Bercow parody Twitter account written by Private Eye’s Craig Brown. You’ll find grand proclamations lionising a listee casually juxtaposed with some crass personal detail. For example, Tony Blair’s profile includes the following: “Ex PM (yes, he now concedes taking us to war wasn’t a good idea). Married to Cherie (apparently they have a great sex life).”
Also, the list has absolutely no correlation whatsoever with popular opinion; the top 40 includes the five biggest wastemen on earth: Jack Whitehall, Marcus from Mumford & Sons, Boris Johnson, ex-Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams and Prince Charles (who, at number 34, finds himself sandwiched between Judi Dench and Mariella Frostrup – probably not for the first time LOL!).
It’s when you glance further down the list, though, that the true gems are unearthed. Here are some of the best.
Speaks Latin and hangs out with an eagle – of course this guy is David Cameron’s cousin. Also, that last line reads like some sort of code for his sexual preferences. Probably translates to: “Likes strangulation, interested in threesomes and would be willing to shove a hamster up his bum – if he met the right person.”
This woman goes hunting on a horse named Basil? I think that’s the poshest thing I’ve ever read. It’s hilarious how obsessed these people are with horses – probably because they appear to share 99.9% of the same DNA as their equine pals.
Tilda Swinton lookalike Lord Elcho may appear all baby-faced and innocent but don’t be fooled. Just check out his interests. Violent role-play, shotguns and spinach – is he living a west London-based remake of American Psycho?
Dated Princess Eugenie, wears kimonos, something about gaiety. I think they need to stick a “(NO HOMO)” at the end of all of that.
“Fantastically un-show-offy”? Yeah, nothing screams modesty more than owning “two BIG yachts”, Charles.
Or Odious Ferry, as I shall be calling him from now on. Can you imagine him galloping along in his Ray Bans, stamping on fox guts? Disgusting. Bryan Ferry would be turning in his grave if he saw the result of what he’d brought into the world (if he were actually dead).
Phwoar! What a cad! (Think they missed a trick here by not alluding to the size of his package though.)
Sprayed some dude with bullets, hangs out with Puffy – who the fuck does this guy think he is? Shyne?
Hang about, I never knew Sonia Jackson off EastEnders was posh.
By John McDonnell (@prancehall)