It is said that if you live in London you are never more than ten feet from a rat; the proximity to a rudeboy is probably the same, if not less. It’s impossible to walk the streets of any major city in the UK without seeing these zombified dolts skulking about with a look on their face that combines disgust and perplexity – like they have just been told where babies come from. They appear to have nothing but complete contempt for everything around them and, unsurprisingly, terrify almost everyone over the age of 40. If you’re a middle-class teenager heavily into UK hip-hop and want to piss off your very pleasant parents, read below to find out how to get the look – but please don’t try and fake the accent.

Hair: All hair above the neck is closely shaved except their wispy pubescent moustache which is used, I believe, to show shopkeepers that, despite dressing like a 10-year-old, they aren’t actually a young child. It’s a form of ID to buy cigarettes, if you will.

Hat: They wear a New Era hat most of the year because it keeps the sun off their face and helps to sustain their pallor, but switch to a Prada beanie in the winter to keep warm.

Tattoos: Neck tattoo tribute to their deceased best friend who was shot in an argument over the last chicken wing at Chicken Palace.

Jacket: Rudeboys don’t like wearing jackets but if necessity dictates, it’ll be something pretty practical like a waterproof Stone Island number to keep them dry in the cold British weather while out all day hustlin’ on the streets to buy Pedigree Chum for Killa.

Top: Black hoody covered in mayonnaise stains (please tell me it’s mayonnaise).

Trousers: Saggy tracksuit bottoms that make them look like they are wearing a nappy or baggy jeans that nearly cover their feet, giving the optical illusion that they have pony-like hooves.

Favourite phrases:
“Jump up and down.”
“Did I AAHKS you?!”
“Nah but how are da guns gettin’ into da country though? It’s da government, blud.”
“Oi boss, beg you give me more chips.”

Footwear: Trainers that are at least two sizes too small. Rudeboys are the only male demographic in the entire world who want to look like they have smaller feet than they actually do.

Accessories: A carton of Ribena (held like it’s a glass of Chateauneuf-du-Pape), 3 mobile phones, 2 bikes, 1 tiny bag that is too small to hold anything more than a packet of crisps (BTW, whoever managed to convince testosterone-saturated teens that it is cool to carry something so completely emasculating as a man bag deserves the marketing equivalent of a Nobel Prize).

Girlfriend: They are unusually kind to their girlfriend, and take them almost everywhere they go – usually on a lead to the park to do a poo on the grass.

Plaid shirt? They only wear shirts if they are part of their school uniform.

Fixed-gear bike? Yes, you’ll see them pushing one they’ve just stolen in a ‘punch and run’ on a girl.

Illustration by Dan Freeman