I hate people who need to do things very loudly. London, specifically, seems to be full of them and I hate all of them. The major problem is people who talk on the phone loudly and for hours. Why would you have a really personal phone call about your boyfriend’s shortcomings in the bedroom on the number 8 bus at 6 PM on a Wednesday? Then there are people who feel the need to talk loudly wherever they are because they simply like the sound of their own voice. I find it embarrassing if I’m ever with someone like this in public. Just shut up. Nobody else needs to know what you think, do or say.
I can’t forget people who eat or drink loudly. Slurp, gobble, munch, gurgle, “Aaaah” (a popular one just after taking the first mouthful of a cup of tea). None of these noises are necessary. You are not a baby, you are in total control of what you are doing.
Finally, something which had a particularly drastic effect on my early life: people who breathe loudly – or worse, on you. I remember in French class I sat in front of this disturbingly fat girl who never washed called Ruth. She was actually quite nice. One year for my birthday she gave me one of those Trolls people used to collect. Anyway, don’t worry about that, all you need to know is that she would breathe really loudly all the time. Every class sounded like her last, as if she was struggling for her last few breaths of life. I was forced to sit in front of her for three years. I got an E in French and I blame Ruth and her distracting death rattle.