It can be easy to forget that very, very posh people still exist in London. Unless you spend a significant amount of time in the more well-to-do parts of west London you’re unlikely to see these frothing thoroughbreds swanning about. When you spot one it’s hard not to find yourself transfixed by every facet of their being. They appear frighteningly naive and cut off from the rest of the world; they’re so well-spoken and nasal it’s hard to fully understand what they’re saying; and they’re trapped in their own very traditional little fashion bubble, which hasn’t progressed one jot in at least the last three decades. Made in Chelsea, for me, is like a wildlife documentary show. Witnessing how these people interact I know how David Attenborough feels when he discovers the hunting habits of a rare form of mountain tiger. Here is a breakdown of this intriguing species.

I’m kind of, sort of, a big deal right now. National TV series – tick. Plenty of wonga in the vault – yes. Acres of fanny on my tail – naturally. And I’m fucking hilarious. Sucks to be everyone else in the world right now, losers. Only joking. Ha ha!

Mate, I’ve just heard that little Ed Sheeran’s had a type of peri peri sauce named after him by Nando’s. That’s made me want to work a million-and-one per cent harder to make it in this game. If a fat ginger – no disrespect, Ed, you’re a ledge, mate – can achieve that, then the sky is the limit for Frankie Cocozza. Just imagine: my own sausage roll at Greggs!?

A mere handful of people read this website regularly (which is understandable since it’s updated so infrequently) so most of the traffic comes from search engines. I, unfortunately, have access to the search terms used when people arrive here. Below is a list of the most inane, odd and depressing.

It is said that if you live in London you are never more than ten feet from a rat; the proximity to a rudeboy is probably the same, if not less. It’s impossible to walk the streets of any major city in the UK without seeing these zombified dolts skulking about with a look on their face that combines disgust and perplexity – like they have just been told where babies come from. They appear to have nothing but complete contempt for everything around them and, unsurprisingly, terrify almost everyone over the age of 40. If you’re a middle-class teenager heavily into UK hip-hop and want to piss off your very pleasant parents, read below to find out how to get the look – but please don’t try and fake the accent.

This video is much better, I’m sure, than the one of bin Laden being shot in the eye.

On a worryingly frequent occasion a friend will say to me, ‘Have you seen the latest episode South Park? It’s so funny!’ to which I will reply, ‘I took the step into adulthood a long time ago. Feel free to join me.’ You see, some things are just no longer acceptable once you pass the age of 16 – no matter how much of a penchant you may have for them. Here is a list of some of those things.