The two-week English summer is upon us and what better place to spend it than London’s hippest scorched-grass catwalk, London Fields (especially the section nearest Broadway Market, affectionately know as cunts’ corner)? Stroll through the park any time after midday on the weekend and you’ll find yourself in what looks like the opening scene from Apocalypse Now, with the napalm (unfortunately) substituted for the smoke coming from the myriad disposable BBQs plopped on the grass. Through the grey haze you’ll see packs of top-drawer cretins in Ray-Bans splayed out on the grass like horny peacocks, trying to catch the eye of a potential mate as they scorch their leathery faces. No matter how sunny it is, most of the men (who all claim to be either band managers or video directors) will be dressed in tight dark jeans and smart shoes – the exact opposite of what’s comfortable for a day in the park. Elsewhere, you’ll find fashion bloggers snapping pictures of young girls who look like they had a nervous breakdown midway through a shopping trip at a vintage clothing shop. The park starts the day looking like the Monday after Glastonbury and goes downhill as the hours pass. Forget the crazed crack squirrels of Brixton, here you’ll find smug, obnoxious pigeons flapping around with their heads stuck in the cocaine wraps left behind by the park’s visitors. Read below for a breakdown of the typical look.
Hair: Side-parted 20-inch high WW2 fighter pilot-esque quiff held in place by a tub of lard. A moustache that wouldn’t look out of place in certain Vauxhall nightclubs is also essential. The acoustic guitar player of the gang usually favours free-flowing Devendra locks.
Hat: You’re not allowed through the park gate without one. Usually it’ll be a wide-rim straw number or something you might expect an elderly man in the Amish community to wear in winter.
Tattoos: A couple of classic sailor tats or a bomber babe to match the haircut.
Jacket: A Burberry mac their mate stole from a fashion shoot or a pea coat that they picked up in a Brooklyn thrift store.
Top: Deep-V-neck T-shirt to show off some Buddhist beads, which they wear to summon the spirit of Animal Collective.
Trousers: Skinny black or navy jeans that are ever so slightly too short, perfect for a day of basking in the scorching sun.
Favourite phrases: “Got any blow?” “I love your look, can I take a photo for my blog?” “Barney’s new ska-folk band are fucking wicked, mate.”
Footwear: Brogues with no socks.
Accessories: Gross man jewellery and bangly shit that they picked up in Goa as a teenager. A couple of grams of shit coke for an afternoon down the Cat & Mutton. A bratty little dog (“the minge magnet”) that runs about pooing everywhere and nipping at the heels of passers by. A tote bag from an organic food shop filled with pear cider and organic chewing gum. Coloured Ray-Bans to take the edge off the lurid clothes on the people all around them.
Girlfriend: Some annoying cokehead. Pale skin and dyed ginger hair essential.
Plaid shirt? Naturally. With the sleeves rolled up at all times to show off the tats.
Fixed-gear bike? Stupid fucking question. It’s stacked with the rest of their group’s rides in a temporary ultra-lightweight sculpture on the grass.
Illustration by Daniel David Freeman
I don’t know who I hate more, these people or terrorists.
Brogues with No Socks.. that tv presenter hairy ankles hipster man look..please!! who the fuck started that one!!
this is too fukin accurate! haa haa harrrrrr !!
Except, blink and this is already out of date! they are THAT fashionable!! haha! it’s all about boating shoes and vintage bicycles now! that don’t even work! rubbish. man, they suck the fashion kids with their rubbish tattoos and raybans. and boating shoes.
Absolutely hilarious! Love love love it!
This has been a long time coming!
All to true im afraid
i think nest election i will stand as leader of the anti-hoxton twat party. Sam will be my co-leader
i am literally SOBBING this is so funny. tears are running down my face!!
You forgot to add Pete.
living in buenos aires thinking how much i was missing hackney. thank you for reminding me exactly why i left in the first place. i dread to think how much worse it’s got in the last 9 months!
you’re not a very nice person, are you?
Brilliant. You forgot to mention the asexual qualities too. The majority is simply making major effort to look and dress uglier, unnatural and less attractive. Filling their speech constantly with dirty words to pretend they’re so liberal and cool, but never really getting to any sexual practice, due to failure, binge drinking or simply lack of any sexual skills. Less bla bla bla, more raw raw raw.
Painful to see hard edge of leather brogue next to pale hairy bony ankle – sick. Top Chumps makes life worth living – keep them coming!
Ive been affectionately calling this piece of land and the activities that occur within it ‘THE HIPSTER PEN’ for a couple of years now. They need to bring in fencing and a turnstile.
The more child friendly name of ‘Cunts Corner’ is ‘Trendy Triangle’
Seems to be a lot of hipster hate around at the moment. It seems like people somehow feel inferior to these trendies, and so get really upset by them. Like they feel they are being looked down upon.
Honestly they don’t give a shit how out of date or scruffy you look, how ugly your girlfriend is, or that you still listen to Oasis. They are too busy sipping flat whites and preening to laugh at your out of fashion threads and sensible mountain bike. Let them hang out all day in the cat and mutton. Why do you care? Why get so upset by them?
I’m sick of seeing all these wannabe possyoles sitting in my park..wish they’d pissoff back to uxbridge. “Cunts corner” used to be a rubbish dump I’ve never seen shit sit on shit before.
I hope some of the cunts read this beautifully observed piece of work. I do feel it’s almost too forgiving though. What a sack of wankers!!
p.s. Love Walshy’s last comment
Cunts corner is correct statement bare nob jockeys from out of London saying “oh are you from round here?? I’ve lived in Dalston for 1 year” fuck off back to mummy with ya pointy shoes shit hair and shit cider….
London Fields / Dalston: an even bigger shithole than Shoreditch used to be.
Full of ultra-conservative graphic designer cunts.
Where are the skindheads when you need then? Nuke E8!
PS message to bike thieves: go and nick a bike from outside that shithole Prince George. Always loads of over-expensive (and under-used) bikes there. The owners have really crappy locks and are too cocked out of their depressed headz to notice
AHHHHHAAAAAAA!! I have lived in Hackney my whole life. My post office is now an art gallery. My old book shop is now a vintage/ overpriced crap from the attic/ “freelance” artist hang out, the greasy spoon is now an organic coffee shop and there is soon to be a Deli opening up. At least the William Hill hasn’t changed a bit in 25 years. A girl has got to rely on something.
I recently wrote, ummm half a song about this new found popularity of the borough… check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdxFk1NqJLQ
everyine that commented thus far probably live in Hackney. If you hate so much, why are you there? come on, get over it.
Gotta say – I’m with Elvis. Who cares if people are too trendy? Why let it bother you?
Just get on with yours and don’t get so wound up…
Sheeeee’
Nail on head
whilst this is hilariously accurate, the comments shine out as intensely bitter. and more than a little stupid.
Why are you so pissed off at people who essentially just like to party. have fun and be nice to everyone.
what about the chavvy estate twats that go around shooting and stabbing people?? yeah..you’d much rather they were everywhere right? because bars, restaurants, galleries and culture are so awful yeah.
sure there are preening idiots, there are in every section of culture, but when you start attributing idiotic negativity to people just because they are “creative”…. cmon. really.. designers,photographers etc. are some of nicest, non-judgemental people youre likely to meet. this kind of broad brushstrokes hipster hate is childish. Yes there are idiots, cunts, whatever, but it’s the exception not the rule.
@ walshy
just the fact you use “possyoles” shows what a cosmic cretin you are. “your park” really? are the nonthreatening hipsters stopping you mugging grannies and going out for a spot of late night stabbing? poor you.
without “creative wankers” shitholes in london would never get regenerated. the money and the culture follows the artists, always has, always will.
I wonder which is worse, an east london full of benefit taking, job dodging, overtly aggressive, oxygen thieves, or some admittedly wanky but thoroughly inoffensive people who do things they love for a living. and hurt nobody….. where would you rather your family lived… nice bars and cheerful drunk hipsters, or chain pubs and street fights….
Almost thought that was funny until I realised the people running and commenting on this site are obviously the same opinionated ‘i know best’ cunts that your slagging off. Get over it, stop drawing monsters, do something useful…
Hmm,the influx and slow arise of the new breed?this has been going on for years now- over a decade except now with modern technology we can observe and report these specimens more rapidly and with focus,David Attenborough would strive to label this genre.Everyone so desperately trying to be unique while inherently missing the point,this whole thing swings on money and always has, the rich seem to want to be hip so they dress down to try and defuse the trust fund asthetic,where as people who have struggled and made money want to be viewed as accepted in the real world?ie Bling,we live in an age now where being flamboyant is considered a currency,maybe some should work on their personalities rather than their suggested mystique and individuality ? it’s easy to build a fictional persona now within any area ie fashion,music ,art-it’s immediate access via the internet has turned society in on itself to a point where we all are tempted to hate -this is the trick and it’s working,the sad fact is despite being tempted to lash out is- that everyone wants to be liked and loved but sadly with such high standards now everyone judges before speaking ie you would never see a woman look at a man and think ooh i bet he has a nice personality,as a man would in turn expect a woman to only be worthy if she has the right look,this is personal choice obviously but in turn has it’s axis and premise.Basically,we live in the age of narcissism and the peacocks are the new eagles (allegedly) hovering waiting to shit on your day with their downloads smug self centered blog philosophies & bad mantras ,it’s all over information that has caused this take away thier I phones,I pads apps and see how long the wisdom lasts-give them a book and they’d ask where do you charge it.
Fuck retro,fuck vintage,fuck apps,fuck idiots looking like Heart Beat Extras,fuck Burlesque fuck Dandies -fuck streetwear fuck labels fuck even this -nothing is anything,anything is nothing-concentrate on the inner not the outer-i’m off to wax my tash,take my trousers up,go to a jiving lesson with my tattooed rockin lady whilst getting slayer inked on my chest listening to french new wave drunk on cider wearing new Air Brogues e mailing an icelandic black metal band who design fixies that make crow noises when ridden,Nathan Barley was a joke and somehow it has gone beyond this.
I’m an ex-London Fields resident. I went travelling for a year, and the place had got even worse when I got back, so I moved to Clapton. Idiots are everywhere, it’s like the opening scenes of Nathan Barley; especially around The Twat And Scooter on the corner of the market. It’s embarrassing, have these people no shame? I’d like to knock them off their stupid vintage bikes in a bulldozer. The worst offenders hang around a shop called The Last Tuesday Club on Mare Street, all dressed like Victorian spastics. And why some innocent bloke got shot a while back, instead of the Idiot girl going on about blowing bubbles and looking lovely in trendy clothes, is beyond me. Twatsville!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/may/28/london-fields-shooting-gangs
This is depressing. London has always been a democracy, a place where people, whoever they are, can make their own. Hipsters, Turkish Communities, whatever, London allows people to be themselves. Nobody owns London but we all have claim to live here in our own way. This has always been what makes the city such a thriving cultural hub. I come from a suburb where friday nights are fights and estate agent beer boys and orange skinned girls attack anyone who looks and acts different. It’s depressing to see this attitude creeping in, a new conservatism petty enough to mock people purely down to their choice of clothes and hang outs. Most of the people I know who ridicule hipsters, and probably most of the people who have left comments here, are hipsters of varying degrees. To be honest, living in E8 and reading this very website means you are not a million miles removed from what you are ridiculing, you certainly have the shallow, nit picky edge that you suppose your intended victims swim with in quantity.
E8 hipsters: future estate agents or property developers.
=where friday nights are fights and estate agent beer boys and orange skinned girls attack anyone who looks and acts different.
Ever been to Curtain Road on a Friday,Saturday,Sunday evening?
I do not think this is a question of Democracy- this is not a social political thing,it’s a mix of observations and views by various people who might live in those areas and those who visit.
I live in close to these parts and i can say i do not really give a fuck either way,you cannot stop people and their ego’s as much as you cannot label/suggest someone who is poor of being a threat to the area,East has always been rough it’s a fact but there is always somewhere rougher-i’ve noticed violence escalate in this area as it has become popular,once again everyone wants to belong and feel part of something so they come to where is considered hip.
The real artists left ages ago,sadly i would hate to think that anyone suggesting being creative is a free excuse to be considered mellow and cultured -THAT IS SHIT,it’s more a question of being fortunate and sadly mis fortune is often in the shadows of wealth.The most worrying aspect is watching pockets of history pushed out to be replaced by phony artisan trust fund ventures that will not last 1 % of the lifespan that the previous holders would,i think levels of respect are questionable and integrity are key to this whole thing.It is very easy to swarm in once all the ground work has been done and this is what causes the animosity,it’s good to feel good about yourself but when people risk getting run over to check if you are wearing the right outfit?rather than concentrate on traffic we do have to question the levels of vanity and in turn this translates as massive insecurity.
Let’s all be the same but a bit different-YEAH,like i’m a bit more special than you YEAH,i’m finding the responses as equally funny as the topic,and as for the Cat and Mutton well that is a joke the staff there seem more delusional than their suggested clientele,all bracing themselves for a wave of cool and secretly selecting who is worthy to sit in their re fitted pseudo Big Brother set-i think we can safely say that the medias coverage of social interaction are responsible for how we all now view each other ,it’s very sad that slowly tolerance and humanity are replaced by a judging system based on appearance NOT CREATIVITY you cannot wear that only display it or show it-and now past iconic looks have all merged in a bid to confuse those who feel the need to be different rather as said before be themselves.
The same shit covered in a layer of talcum powder,that’s coke BTW for weekend warriors.
The death of society,a slow subtle rot induced by insecurity,consumption ,greed and vanity-mixed slowly to create a paranoid conclusion that anyone should give a fuck about their fellow man and woman-add fashion,high expectancy ,a desire to be unique and ambition leave to sit and ferment in the general psyche of those not content and hey ,there it is.
Talentless hipster wankers who have no opinion for themselves and have no worry about whether they can afford next months rent because their parents pay it and instead of doing anything worthwhile on this planet they hang out with pointless twats like the Klaxons, that ugly ginger Florence twat face, Peaches Geldof and T4 cunts.
This may sound harsh but the world would actually be a better place if they were all dead, you offer nothing yet insist on being loud obnoxious fucks.
Finish your useless art degrees (you will never have a career in art because you are a talentless prick), or quit your job in advertising (which you started anyway because you were a talentless art student), or finish your career as a musician (you’re shit and have no originality and being in Vice Magazine does not mean you’re any good), look at yourself in the mirror, wipe the coke off your nose, realise that you are a pathetic piece of useless moldy old shit and piss off, no one likes you.
bottom line is, that area USED TO be kind of cool.
Now it feels a bit, i dunno, embarrassing? ; It has eaten itself + surely it’s only a matter of time before it turns into Friday /Saturday night Shoreditch = a TOP London hen and stag do-type destination.
Of course, this is just an area of London ‘evolving’ which you really can’t do too much about. And of course it is better for everyone that it’s more gentrified than gangland.
For somewhere to live / hangout, it’s just gone a bit dry around there imo = super predictable. Better places to spend time in I reckon.
‘cunts corner’ is class though. lol
Haters gonna hate
THIS – . A couple of grams of shit coke for an afternoon down the Cat & Mutton.
Get your arses to Springfield Park on a sunny day. Not a cunt in sight!
LOOOOOOL @ Life & Soul “…fuck idiots looking like Heart Beat Extras”.
I love being a cunt on cunts corner. It’s a nice way to spend my time when I’m not operating on a brain.
Funny how people like the author of this (a Vice journo) spend all their time and energy slating east London, but they still live there and can’t tear themselves away from the circle of mutual loathing.
I should probably add that the whole Vice/east London cynical thing seems really old hat now. They’ve been peddling the same rubbish for years. The world has moved on…
“bottom line is, that area USED TO be kind of cool.”
Bottom line really is that area used to be really, REALLY dangerous. Yellow incident signs everywhere (rape/murder/mugging/etc), people lived in fear of entering the park in daylight, not just at night time. I lived there about eight years ago and the park was not a valid destination for picnicking of any kind.
If a twat in a hat on the gak is the worst the locals have to deal with now then they should count themselves lucky.
James, I’ve lived in north London my whole life. I avoid London Fields like I avoid chuggers.
How many women have left angry comments here?
Now, I’m not trying to suggest the majority of you are angry, bitter and aging men but, well,the truth (and soul) speaks for itself.
I mean honestly people.. Its easy to hate the trendys isnt it. But of course, its a different lifestyle, and they choose it conciously (at least we hope). So they spend their time on sculpting the fashion, grooming it and testing it out whether it ever goes anywhere i dont think they really care. Whether you view it as old hat, stupid or self indulgent these are all natural responses to any misunderstood form of lifestyle and expression. Look at how gays, emos, hippies etc are all dismissed.
Im guessing like many of you, I place my focus and energy into my work (HR manager), saving to travel, going to gigs and festivals and drinking in londons many fine pubs (east, west, north or south – there is good in all locations) and im sorry but im happy buying my clothes at H&M!
Fashion, art and the latest thing in music are great but its not my goal to be the avant garde maestro of this. East has always been a cultivating hub for these people and I guess many who catch a rare glimpse of it, live there resentfully or simply cannot understand it will always spend the time to whinge and hate over these trendys. May be they are taking it too far, may be it is self destroying and actually non creative in itself. But its how they choose to live. I find all this discussion great because Ive generalised and categorised these types plenty of times myself. Just remember that hate breeds more hate and is it really something we need more of?
How many women have left angry comments here?
Now, I’m not trying to suggest the majority of you are angry, bitter and aging men but, well,the truth (and soul) speaks for itself.
Hmm,well if we are going to be angry ?why not suggest another form of bias ie aging men and also how many women have left comments(see above) show me someone who is not aging -(or is being older a bad thing?)and i will applaud your paradoxical ignorance!the only people who do not age are the dead!and sadly unless your are the monitor of the statistics of who is posting here ie men and women i would leave your stale comments which are far more spiteful but not really factual than all of this light hearted banter here.
I really do not care much for any of the hipsters or the hip nots it’s all a joke,i have a great life good friends a beautiful girlfriend and a decent career ..it’s funny how we can create such a storm in a tea cup even when playful jest is read as malicious intent and sadly,some walk right into it.
Have a nice weekend, i will.
How old is old and is it limited only to men,i pity thee.
Enough of trendy hipster wannbee white kids wanna be japanese expensive shit clothes , trendy cunts that lash bands for “selling out” and wish they could actually play something other then the blame game , fuck all these trendy places shoreditch use to be good hackney was fun like when i was 14 now its people that dropped out from uni and use to live in sussex parents brought expensive overpriced housing , i enjoy stealing your shit cause i know it dont matter you all sold your souls trying to outtrend eachh other fuck you all ,
If they werent so far up their own arses and werent so bloody rude, I would mind at all, but if you’re not wearing all the get up, you’re some kind of leper. I was in the Cunt & Mutton last night for a birthday party upstairs and I swear to god the guy in the picture served me. I just cant wait for the next trend setters to come around and knock this lot out of the water so they’ll be uncool and out of date just like the rest of us. Just how I like it.
[...] currently torn between deciding what is best the video above, or this. Tough [...]
Nuff said: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVmmYMwFj1I