Imagine all the people that you find annoying (if you’re like me, that is probably a lot of people and a lot of annoyance). I bet if you were to combine every little thing that annoys you about everyone you know or have ever met into a dense mass of hate, it would still annoy me less than my flatmate. To begin to prove this point, I shall list below a mere handful of the reasons that make him the most annoying person I have ever known.
He enjoys inviting “media types” from Shoreditch House to our flat for mini gak parties. I often have to queue for my own bathroom so that pairs of his “friends” (they don’t tend to come round more than once) can rack up lines, have deep and meaningful chats pre- and post-line, then take massive smelly shits (in pairs also). Why people feel the need at someone’s house to go to the toilet to do coke, like they would in a club, is beyond me. It’s not as if the imaginary house bouncer is going to grab hold of them and ask them to leave.
When drunk, he likes to display himself. He will drop his jeans and stand there displaying a pair of those neon American Apparel Y-fronts. He will do this regardless of where he is or who is there. He has them in every colour (which is another excuse to hate him in itself) and will just stand there uselessly kind of muttering to himself and gazing into space.
He seems to have discovered the phenomenon of spanking in the last few months. He likes doing this a lot, particularly in the dead of the night when there is nothing to hide the sound. From someone with a pretty casual interest in spanking, I’d expect the act to take the form of a few slaps in relaxed succession. With my flatmate, it’s very different. When he slaps his lucky lady friends’ bums it’s like listening to a theatre filled with seals and penguins giving a round of applause – really speedy, hard, noisy, wet slaps. Hearing this when you are sat in your room is particularly disturbing. And particularly embarrassing if there are friends over.
Taste in music
He has the most predictably bad, Shoreditch-graphic-designer taste in music. When he discovered Le Tigre (about six months ago) he played their album over and over and over and over again, as if his ears were going out of fashion. He seems to own about four albums in total and he plays them on repeat pretty much every night. I think his faves are Le Tigre, CSS, Groove Armada and Whitey. Awesome!
Weird sexual partners
He has an array of totally random, seemingly mute and always non-English-speaking girls staying the night. Some stay once and never again. Some don’t even stay for a full night. There is no small talk, just straight down to business in his boudoir. I’m not saying he pays for sex, but it seems like a strange way of treating girls.
Words by Juliette Hughes