White people have historically been the most evil creatures on the planet, claiming more lives than Spanish Flu and World of Warcraft combined. Fast forward to now and, using the all-encompassing power of the internet, white people are inflicting yet more pain and suffering upon the rest of the world. Let me give you an example: because Twitter predominantly wears ankle swingers and listens to The Script, there is now a phenomenon known as #blacktwitter. White people have made black people sequester themselves on Twitter, essentially enforcing a modern day, internet-based racial segregation by oppressing them with upsetting amounts of tweeness and Caitlin Moran retweets.
Let’s take a look at some other internet-related atrocities that white people are responsible for.
Pinterest – What the fuck even is this? This has to be the whitest thing I’ve ever seen. It appears to be nothing more than a wishlist of prissy, utterly useless garbage that no one will actually ever buy – like a wedding dress made of meringue, a chainsaw in the shape of a cupcake, or a diary made of RAINBOWS.
Memes – Nerd culture is lame by definition. The point of being a nerd is that your interests are weird and nerdy – and not something people with social skills need to partake in. Once you unleash the in-jokes of emotionally detached sociopaths of 4Chan unto the populace you end up with shit like Ellen Degeneres teaching a studio full of hook-hipped geriatrics how to do the Harlem Shake.
Buzzfeed – This is a website where memes and ‘lulz’ have taken an almost totalitarian position on the mainland Europe of the internet. If you thought the great magazine-list epidemic of the noughties was bad, here’s a site which is essentially only lists, but less ’100 Amazing Albums’ and more ’27 Ways The Latest Episode Of Doctor Who Would Make My Nan Say WTF – If She Knew What That Meant LOL’.
YouTube ‘celebrities’ -Wanton self-obsession and belief in sparkling individuality is a sickening trait of the modern white moron. As if vomiting your inconsequential opinions all over comments sections wasn’t horrific enough, these cum plungers feel it’s necessary that their face is also on display. They then throw in sickening amounts of “kooky” editing so you feel like you’re having an epileptic fit as you watch their 25-minute rant about Kim Kardashian’s latest chemical skin peel or why Kanye West probably has a, like, totally tiny penis.
Themed Tumblrs – What is it with people setting up “comedy” Tumblrs about their completely mundane jobs (which, invariably, tend to be in advertising)? No one apart from you and the one other person in the office you speak to gives a shit, guys. For instance, check the undulating spray of diarrhoea that is 99 Problems But A Pitch Ain’t One, which is all about the fascinating and oft hilarilolz world of PR. There’s also this totally upsetting hybrid of Mad Men screen caps and Mean Girls quotes: meanmadmen.tumblr.com – which, yes, isn’t about a job, but is worth mentioning because of its sheer, tear-incuding putrescence. Who other than white people would do something so carelessly awful?
Words by Joe Bishop