Yep | How to… throw a party

How to… throw a party

If you are planning to throw a party, I strongly advise you to follow the below instructions to guarantee a good time is had by all.

Make a Facebook page
Apparently this is “a great tool for promoting events” and is “the most important thing you can do before having a party”. Set up a page and then move on to sorting everything out. I’ve included an example of what this page will probably look like, if you’re struggling to picture it.

Do you know anyone?
Does anyone know you, more importantly? If you think that there are some people out there who are willing to spend their time with you rather than whatever it is they normally do, then try and get in touch with them somehow and tell them that you are having a party. There is a saying somewhere about crowds, which defines it as three people, so you will need no more than two friends to turn up. If more people come, that’s OK but don’t invite too many people because then bad stuff will happen and it will end up on the news (I’ve seen this happen many times in the past – it’s not nice).

Do you have a place to have your party?
The Raver’s Manifesto has the following to say on the subject:

“We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you’ve abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night.”

Not only is this very deep and extremely philosophical but it opens up a world of possibilities about where you can have your party. For example, I have a shed in my back garden, which has a BMX and some oily rags in it. This would be the perfect location for me to hold my party. If you know anyone who has a club, warehouse or abandoned building then get on the phone to them and ask to borrow it. If they get tricky then just build a place and abandon it. Sorted, as they say.

The right clothes
Fashion can be a quandary for a lot of people but luckily I have managed to circumvent any issues you might have. A quick Google Image Search with the words “nice party clothes” comes up with the following results.

Guys, don’t worry about the pink shirt thing. If it’s OK for the mega-macho rapper Snoop Dogg (pictured above) then I think it’s fine for everyone else.

Alcohol and drugs
Now there are some serious issues of legality here. If you are planning to sell alcohol (you will have to do this to cover the costs of your decorations and hire of the disco ball) you will need to get a temporary events notice. These are easy to get from your local council and only cost £27.

If you are planning to have drugs then please let me know so I can inform the authorities, as drugs are very much illegal and I am not about to stand aside and let you break the law.

Decorations and lighting
How to DJ (Properly) by Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster (2002) covers this area succinctly and with some good humour.

“Darkness encourages dancing… Decorations: Hard work but worth it. Balloons, streamers, murals, fabric, hangings…”

I have enclosed a picture of my shed, which is decorated and ready to go for my party. Please note the darkness.

The best music
Music is not my strong point, as I don’t like it, but many others may ask for it so, again, I defer to a higher authority. This is Greg Harewood’s Ten Best Party Songs of All Time. Make a CD of these ten songs, play it on loop and everyone will have a really good time.

1. “Get The Party Started” – Pink
2. “I Gotta Feeling” – Black Eyed Peas
3. “Jump Around” – House of Pain
4. “Come On Eileen” – Dexys Midnight Runners
5. “Whoomp There It Is” – Tag Team
6. “Walk This Way” – Aerosmith and Run DMC
7. “Celebration” – Kool and the Gang
8. “Sweet Home Alabama” – Lynyrd Skynyrd
9. “Y.M.C.A.” – Village People
10. “Love Shack” – B-52’s

You can refer to the original and excellent article by Greg here.

Cleaning up
So your party is over and everyone has drank, danced and been merry. Now that’s all well and good for them but who is going to pick up those ruddy Pringles tubes?! Your guests are, that’s ruddy who! Turn those lights on and pass round the dustbin bags, marigolds and cleaning products and tell your fellow ravers to get to it. This doesn’t have to be the end of the fun though. Make a game out of the process by playing a little something I invented myself called Musical Clean-up. This is just like the once popular Musical Statues but with more movement and disinfectant. The game ends when everything is exactly how it was when you found it.

Now if you’ve timed this properly everyone should be able to get that last tube home after the night of their life! Good luck!

TOM O’NEILL