Yep | Top Chumps: Essex

Top Chumps: Essex

Girls from Essex used to try and dress like they boarded with Tiggy Legge-Bourke and Sienna Miller at Heathfield St Mary’s – Ugg boots, Barbour jacket, constant frown. Now they dress like they live in West Hollywood and have just signed a deal to release their sex tape with Joey Fatone from N-Sync. Meanwhile, Essex guys have swapped the Reebok Classics for designer plimsolls and XL Ben Sherman shirts for XS cleavage-hugging deep-V-neck Spanx for men, making them look like they bathe every night in a tub full of steroids. Here is a full breakdown of the stereotypical Essex look.

Hair: Short, swept into a slick side parting. Highly flammable. Do not let within four feet of a gas hob
Hat: Saggy beanie that resembles a bulging baby’s nappy – the ‘poo hat’, as I like to call it. Or a flat cap if attending an Olly Murs gig
Top: Deep-V-neck t-shirt to flaunt spray-tanned chest cleavage (complete with a few little ingrown hairs from a dodgy wax job)
Jacket: Gucci blazer to smarten up the deep-V if on a night out. Chunky cardigan with comically big buttons if just driving about in the daytime pretending to be a Premiership footballer
Trousers: Uncomfortably skinny khaki chinos or heavily distressed blue jeans that have been pristinely ironed
Footwear: White plimsolls that look like they’ve come from a stall on Brick Lane but are actually by Gucci and cost £300. Or designer re-imagining of army boots from the 1940s if planning a night out with the JLS boys
Accessories: A leather wrist strap, an ostentatious diamante-encrusted crucifix
Tattoos: Motivational phrase that doesn’t make sense, like: ‘Live every day like you’re an enigma for infinity’ in intricate calligraphy font across the forearm
Teeth: Whiter than the light emitted from an exploding super-galaxy.

Hair: Voluminous, char-grilled by GHDs, dyed bright burgundy
Hat: A baseball cap can be paired with sunglasses to give the air of celebrity while popping to the local garage to buy some fags.
Jacket: Not a snowball’s chance in Hades. ‘You ever seen a picture of Cheryl in a jacket in Grazia, babe?’
Top/dress: Garish low-cut dress by a ‘designer friend’ (their cousin Sonia)
Footwear: Christian Louboutin ‘stripper heels’ perfectly colour-matched to EVERYTHING – dress, nails, lipstick, eye makeup, rings, bracelet and the diamantes on their vajazzle
Accessories: Inch-long eyelash extensions, acrylic fingernails and toenails, poor little inbred dog in a Louis Vuitton doggy jacket
Tattoos: A butterfly behind one ear, a heart above an ankle, a fairy on the side of a hand, an elaborate floral arrangement on the upper arm to cover up a picture of a cuckolded former lover
Teeth: Sprayed with white gold, smeared in lipstick

Illustration by Sam Taylor (@sptsam)