Wiley’s best tweets of Glastonbury 2013

wiley

The string of a banjo is yet to be plucked on stage this year at Worthy Farm and already the entire internet has had to endure days of incessant social media boasting about what a “totally bloody woooooo” time everybody will be having at “Glasto”. Friends you previously thought to possess both a sound mind and good taste are now unable to stop talking about how much they’re looking forward to a weekend of fire poi, foot rot and Phill Jupitus.

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Three fun ways Margaret Thatcher’s £10m funeral fund could have been spent

maggie thatcher dead

Even though the witch is dead, the tedious discussion about her life continues. The latest hot topic seems to be that the £10 million funeral cost and George Osborne’s tears could have been better spent elsewhere. And I totally agree. That’s why I’ve come up with three fun yet useful ways the people of Britain could enjoy the cash poured into Margaret Thatcher’s funeral fund.

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Video Ripper v1: Piff Gang get pithy and K Koke lays down his weapon

A Piff Gang member does his best not to disclose his identity

Video Ripper is a column in which new music videos are neatly summarised via internalised thoughts that delve deep into the heavily cloaked psyche of the artist (*caresses goatee*). We know what you’re really thinking – and it’s often not pretty. Have look at this week’s videos to see what we mean.

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The Tatler List is an annotated catalogue of the most astonishingly posh white people in the UK

THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY MATTER

I’ve never really understood Tatler – some of the stuff they write about makes so little sense to me that it may as well be written in Swahili. This month’s issue, for example, features a profile on Jilly Cooper’s cat and a piece investigating which public school pupils are ‘harder’: those studying at Eton or Harrow. But I’ve found myself mesmerised by the Tatler List – of “the people who really matter” – which is essentially an annotated catalogue of the most astonishingly posh white people in the UK. (The list does feature the odd token black celeb but, generally, it’s whiter than an Antiques Roadshow special in the BNP stronghold of Burnley.) Everything about the list is absolutely hilarious – it’s the Aeneid of unintentional LOLs.

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How white people have harnessed the power of the internet to unleash a wave of twee tyranny on the world

stephen fry twitter

White people have historically been the most evil creatures on the planet, claiming more lives than Spanish Flu and World of Warcraft combined. Fast forward to now and, using the all-encompassing power of the internet, white people are inflicting yet more pain and suffering upon the rest of the world. Let me give you an example: because Twitter predominantly wears ankle swingers and listens to The Script, there is now a phenomenon known as #blacktwitter. White people have made black people sequester themselves on Twitter, essentially enforcing a modern day, internet-based racial segregation by oppressing them with upsetting amounts of tweeness and Caitlin Moran retweets. Let’s take a look at some other internet-related atrocities that white people are responsible for.

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Tears, vomit and the spectre of death: Paul Morley on David Bowie’s return

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I awoke on Tuesday, as ever, at lunchtime. Such are the hours of the music writer – a night owl doomed forever to burn the midnight oil, to plunge and lurch through the darkness of sound and vision, raging against the coming light as if its very coming were an aberration of Lady Sovereign-like proportions. I stumbled downstairs in my thermal M&S long johns and retrieved my bottle of Ribena Light from the fridge. A day like any other and yet this day was like no other. This day was the return of The King. Le retour, shall we say, du roi. For, as my email (wordsandmusingsandmusic@itisipaulmorley.org.uk) told me, repeatedly, a pop singer called David Jones, better known to Joe Public as David Bowie, was back on the scene with a new seven-inch single. I powered up my YouTube player and, cursing the abysmal sound quality, as is my custom, listened in an awestruck silence punctuated by moments of ecstatic vomiting. It is only now that I can put pen to paper for I have spent the last 48 hours in a culture-induced trance, possessed by the sure knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again. Bowie – pop’s omniscient Godhead, a latter day Isaiah, a glam rock-meddling Moses bringing back pop’s most sacred commandments from the apex of Mount Sinai and from there parting the Red Sea of ignorance with the hand of finely produced truth – is back after all this time, after all these lonely years spent gazing upon the Sodom and Gomorrah of the music industry. Let’s take a closer look at the most poignant aspects of the single in question, entitled “Where Are We Now?”.

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Wiley’s weirdest tweets of 2012

Wiley

A year has passed since we cast an eye over Wiley’s Twitter account, and what an eventful 12 months it’s been for grime’s mad auntie. When not recording number one singles about putting his hands up and being harassed by women, or pretending to have been involved in car crashes, he’s been very busy writing down every single thought that comes into his head. Here are the most bizarre bits of wisdom he’s spouted, in no particular order.

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How to set up a pop-up eatery in a few simple steps

DRINK SERVED IN A JAR

If restaurant trends are to be abided, diners no longer want good food in a nice environment, they want an “experience” – one that seemingly involves dilapidated decor, bad service and wildly overrated food. All this – and less – is provided at any of the deluge of “pop-up” restaurants that have recently appeared in London. Here is our easy-to-follow guide of how to set up your very own trendy eatery of this type.

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