I find in life that it’s best to take it easy when you can. University is probably the second best chance you will have in life, after your toddler years, for a substantial period of taking it easy, so it’s very important not to waste any time expelling extra energy. With the new university year approaching, here are a few simple rules for you to follow to enjoy 12 months of blissful under-exertion.

Inception, the latest film by the guy who made Batman boring, has been referred to as the cinematic equivalent of ketamine. And this is certainly true, in that it has a storyline so mind-numbingly convoluted, drawn-out and tedious it could put any large mammal to sleep for several hours; the bulbous man sat two rows in front of me in the cinema was splayed out like a heavily sedated walrus after just an hour-long dose.

In celebration of the World Cup currently taking place in South Africa, I’ve mutated footballers taking part in the tournament with different types of food. I have literally no idea why. Peruse the results below.

Oh the joy of encountering children who use phrases like “broad skill base” and who think Synergy is a good name for a cheese stall. Yes, BBC1’s Junior Apprentice is here to rock your faith in the essential goodness of humanity once again, and here is our (slightly belated) guide to the little Beelzebubs who are infesting this series. Are they truly the tycoons of tomorrow, or just eye candy for Amstrad’s pederasts?

The fundamental problem I have with Jammer is his nasally, annoying voice—he sounds like a Rastafarian version of me.

Animals are great. They are like little funny-looking stupid people that can’t talk but who often do smart and sometimes incredible things. They also don’t let stuff bother them, they’re loyal, they don’t talk shit, they’re good listeners, they’re not judgmental and they lead pretty relaxed lives. I think if we all took example from our favourite animals, life in general would be way more fun.

With the festival season fast impending like a bullet to the brain, I have dreamt up a weekend of field-based musical entertainment so repugnant that even Jo Whiley would have second thoughts about attending.

This is Rusko – by the looks of it, not long after a two-hour appointment at Toni & Guy. But which animal does he most resemble?

With the constant news coverage of “our lads” fighting for our freedom over in Afghanistan and Iraq, it’s hard to get war off the brain. But war hasn’t always been about mentally torturing shepherds, blowing up mountain goats with bazookas, Prince Harry running around shouting racist expletives while he has a tea towel wrapped around his head, Ross Kemp, and calling people “matey”.

The environment and experiences of your formative years can have a huge influence on the language you use. Growing up in a sternly Irish family on a diet of boiled potatoes seven days a week, I have an arsenal of terms to describe the slop produced by stewing a pot of pomme de terres, such as batty-tatty, potty-pulp, creamy mud, squidge-squodge and baby sick.